


The Things You Can't Escape

by aphorisnt



Category: Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Dealing with past trauma, Flashback, Gen, Panic Attack, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, ambiguous ending, and kind of not, someone give this boy a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:29:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21568417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphorisnt/pseuds/aphorisnt
Summary: Cal is nearing the end of his mission but before he can even arrive at the Fortress Inquisitorious the past he can't escape resurfaces.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 76





	The Things You Can't Escape

**Author's Note:**

> I'm jumping on the Cal Kestis whump train!! This started as some musings on Cal looking super anxious in the escape pod and somehow grew into this. Part of the blame goes to [icandrawamoth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/icandrawamoth/pseuds/icandrawamoth) (whether she wants it or not) for talking about this with me but I just had a lot of feelings about that scene.
> 
> Please be advised that this fic contains ptsd/trauma, a panic attack, and flashbacks. If those things are triggering for you please either avoid or proceed with caution.
> 
> I don't think "happy reading" is the right thing to say in this situation but I'm saying it anyway!!
> 
> (note: italics designate memories/flashbacks)

Cal felt his breathing pick up the moment he stepped into the Mantis’s escape pod and the door slid shut behind him, closing him in. The narrow pod was a tight fit with just enough standing room to comfortably turn all the way around but it wasn’t the claustrophobia that made his hands shake and the blood rush in his ears.

BD-1 beeped a question, concern evident even through the binary as he picked up on Cal’s spiking anxiety. Somehow the little droid always knew when something was up.

“I’m ok, Beedee,” Cal tried to reassure, but his voice came out a little bit breathless, “just...remembering things.” There was only one other time Cal had been in an escape pod, and the memory was more than unpleasant. He frustratedly shook himself as if to physically shake off the dark tendrils of the past that threatened to strangle him and growled internally at his own mind, which had picked now of all times to betray him again, and tried to get whatever part of him was supplying those thoughts to shut up.

Greez’s voice startled Cal out of his thoughts. “All right, pods ready to launch.” There was a pause as the comm still crackled, then he added, “Good luck, you two. Come home safe.”

“Thanks, Greez,” Cal murmured softly even though the Latero couldn’t hear him. Their relationship had started out a little bit rough but over time Cal had grown close to Greez, just as he had to Cere. The words were simple and from anyone else would have been more perfunctory than not, but from Greez they held a touching depth of concern.

The pod suddenly shuddered around him and Cal heard the sound of groaning metal. He took a deep breath and braced himself against the smooth walls as best he could. The groan turned to a shriek and Cal had just enough time to wonder if the pod was going to make it before he shot out into space and rocketed toward the planet below. The viewport faced backward so Cal couldn’t see Nur’s approaching atmosphere. Instead, he could see the looming shape of one of the Imperial Star Destroyers orbiting around the planet.

It was that view, so similar to the one he had seen before, that sent him plummeting back into his darkest memories.

_The sounds of blaster fire rang in his ears and he could feel the heat of the bolts streaking past him. He couldn’t breathe, He desperately tried to suck air into his lungs but could only manage quick gasps that made his head swim. He fumbled with the door controls for the escape pod. He tried to override the controls but his hands wouldn’t work. They shook uncontrollably and fingers that were normally capable of deft maneuvers were so unsteady that he could barely press the buttons._

Cal started to shake, the tremors beginning in his hands and then sweeping over his whole body. His pulse started to pound.

_“Cal, hurry!”_

_Master Tapal. Cal heard him grit out the words and for the first time in his life he heard genuine fear in his Master’s voice. The Lasat had always been so calm and steady, sounding as if he always had everything perfectly under control, but now, faced with the very real possibility of death at the hands of the very men they had so trusted, that serenity had fled._

He could hear that deep, gruff voice, could hear those words sound in his ears. The shaking got worse and his legs felt ready to give out.

_Cal knew time was running out. The clones would be on them any second. He had to get that door open._

His breathing sped up.

_Finally, the controls beeped and the door slid open with a soft woosh. For just a moment relief flooded his veins. They would make it out. Then he heard the sound of blaster bolts striking home and the scent of burning flesh filled his nose._

The memory of the acrid smell stung his senses.

_“Master!”_

_That was him screaming. Terror overwhelmed him as Master Tapal fell to his knees. He cowered for a moment, making himself as small a target as possible, then turned to see Master Tapal rising to his feet again._

Air. He needed air.

_His Master threw some of the clones against the ceiling, knocking them out, but it wasn’t enough. There were too many._

BD-1 let out a distressed shriek. Cal couldn’t hear it over his racing heart and the sound of firing blasters.

_More blaster bolts struck the Lasat and Cal watched him fall backwards into the escape pod. Anger joined the fear gripping Cal’s heart and with a scream he jumped in front of his Master as if to shield him._

_The clones continued to shoot at him and one bolt nearly found its mark, burning along his cheek and neck and leaving the angry red and black line of scorched skin._

His cheek seemed to sting. He lifted a shaking hand to the scar and could swear he felt heat there.

_But it was just a graze. He couldn’t let it knock him down._

_Another scream, this one louder in his fury, and he reached out to slow the clones with the Force. He pushed with all his might, throwing everything he had into the action and the sheer force of his efforts brought all the clones nearly to a halt. But it would only last a few moments._

White plastoid flashed at the edges of his blurring vision. He shut his eyes.

_Cal jumped into the pod without looking back and slammed his hand against the controls, shutting the door and jettisoning himself and Master Tapal out into the space above Bracca. He ran to his Master, hoping to do something, anything, to keep the Lasat alive._

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. He lost all sense of time and place.

_But it was already too late._

_He didn’t need the Force to tell his Master’s life was fading. Master Tapal gripped his shoulder and Cal tried to clutch at his chest but could only press his hands against the plastoid of Master Tapal’s breastplate. The Lasat said something about the ship exploding but Cal barely heard him. Then, with the last of his strength, the Jedi Master pressed his lightsaber into Cal’s hand and spoke his last words._

_“Trust only in the Force.”_

The words echoed in Cal’s ears, repeating over and over again. They should have been comforting. They weren’t.

_The Lasat lay still, his sightless eyes staring at the ceiling of the pod. Hot tears streaked down Cal’s face. His Master was gone._

Behind his closed eyes Cal could still see the body. Moisture pricked at his eyes but he barely noticed.

_The pod jolted. Some part of Cal’s mind processed that the ship had exploded and the shockwave hit the pod, knocking sideways into the wall. Whatever rational part of him still functioned must have taken over for a moment because the next thing he knew crash webbing was pressing him into one of the pod’s seats._

_His training fled him as grief and anger and despair and fear and shame overwhelmed him. If only he had been faster. If only he had been braver. If only he had been better, his Master would still be alive. But he had failed and now his Master lay dead on the floor. It was all his fault._

“My fault. My fault. My fault.” The words reverberated in his mind as he unconsciously whispered them aloud.

_Cal screamed, every emotion exploding out of him at once, and clutched the lightsaber in whiteknuckled hands. He screamed and screamed until his throat turned raw and his lungs were ready to give out. His Master was dead. The clones had betrayed them._

_He was alone._

Something prickled at the edges of Cal’s senses, then a sharp jolt of pain pierced through the haze of the memory. Another jolt of pain and his eyes flew open as a strangled cry ripped itself out of his throat between gasping breaths. Everything blurred and shook around him and he collapsed against a hard, flat surface. A wall, his brain supplied after a moment. It was cool under his hands where he supported himself against it once his senses creeped back in and he felt his breathing start to slow.

His ears picked up on a loud, alarm-like series of beeps, the sound dim at first as if coming from under water, then rising to a deafening shriek as his hearing kicked back in. Another jolt of pain, this one sharper than the last, and the flashback shattered. Cal found himself thrust back into the present.

His vision cleared and he looked around. The escape pod. He was in the Mantis’s escape pod ( _not the one from the Venator_ , he reassured himself, _this is not then_ ). The loud beeping continued, the sound coming from right next to his ear. BD-1. The little droid screeched in binary, calling Cal’s name, asking Cal if he was all right, trying desperately to get some sort of response out of the human. He felt the jab of pain in his neck again and belatedly realized BD-1 was all but trying to stab him with his scomplink in hopes of getting Cal’s attention.

“Beedee?” Cal croaked. His throat ached from the effort of trying to breathe and his voice came out hoarse as if he had been screaming for hours even though it had only been a handful of moments since his pod left the ship.

The droid let out a loud, shrill beep of relief, then lowered the volume and emitted an inquiring chirp.

“I’m ok,” Cal managed to say, then repeated himself. “I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m ok.” He wasn’t sure who he was trying to reassure, BD-1 or himself.

Exhaustion swamped him and Cal slid to the floor. BD-1 clambered over his shoulder and pressed himself into Cal’s arms so the human could hold onto him. Cal clutched BD-1 to his chest as if hanging on for dear life, his grip on the droid grounding him in the moment and calming him as much as his whispered mantra. BD-1 let out a slow, soft series of chirps and beeps and Cal found the sound soothing. He matched his breaths to the beeps, air in through the nose and out through the mouth just like he had learned as a youngling in meditation classes, until finally his lungs resumed their normal function.

And not a moment too soon. Turbulence shook the pod and Cal realized they were entering the atmosphere. In a few minutes the pod would plummet into the water and his mission to retrieve the holocron would begin. He shifted BD-1 back to his shoulder and reluctantly pushed himself to his feet and tried to focus on the moment.

It wasn’t the same. Things were different now. He wasn’t fleeing unspeakable tragedy into an unknown future, he was headed forward with purpose. He wasn’t alone, he had Cere and Greez and Merrin and he had BD-1 perched right there on his shoulder. He wasn’t a terrified child anymore, he was a Jedi Knight, strengthened by the Force. He went over these facts in his head again and again and pushed the painful memories down, locking them in a box somewhere in his mind. He had learned to lock those thoughts and memories away, to compartmentalize, years ago on Bracca as a way to cope–he couldn’t exactly afford to lose himself like that every time he helped scrap a GAR ship–and once again he shoved all his pain into a neat package that he buried deep in the darkest corner of his mind where it would lie until either he was ready to dig it up or something brought it screaming back from the grave again. Regardless, that pain was a problem for future him to confront. Now wasn’t the time and he had work to do.

“I’m ok,” this time the words louder, steadier, more confident. He would be ok, and BD-1 chirped in agreement. “You ready, buddy?” The droid gave a short beep in the affirmative and Cal managed a small smile at his always fearless companion. “All right, then let’s do this.”

The pod rattled as it reached terminal velocity and Cal reached out with the Force to sense the coming impact. They were close, just a few seconds more, then the escape pod slammed into the water with enough force to rip the air from Cal’s lungs. The icy water hitting his skin chased away any last vestiges of his memories and he lasered his focus in on the mission.

He would keep that list out of the Empire’s hands. He would train all those children and raise them to knighthood. He would make up for the sins of the past by building a better future. But first he had to get the holocron. Determination replaced pain as he shoved his rebreather in his mouth and swam out of the pod’s hatch.

Later, he could cry. Later, he could scream. Later, he could face all the pain and sorrow and guilt that still plagued him despite coming to terms with so much. But later wasn’t now. Now he would do the small part he could to keep the galaxy safe. He swam forward, the dark, cold water enveloping him, and, at least for the moment, left his trauma behind with the pod that grew smaller and smaller in his wake.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me about this boy on tumblr @aphorisnt


End file.
